Wizards

So, I have been away from this goddamn thing for far too fucking long. Apologies are in order, but most of all I want to say sorry to MYSELF. Ok self, do you forgive me? Ok how about you 'Wrence?

So here's what I have been upto in recent times. After my trip to Nantucket I had a few weeks of same-shittery with the orientations and whatnot and then the wheels kinda came off the bus all at once in a little place called Long Beach Island, a slender but long island down on the Jersey shore. It isn't as meathead or fistpumpy as the rest of the Jersey shore. Sure, there are dickheads to be found, but for the most part it is a bunch of old summer houses with families and shit that have been there for a long ass time.

The occasion for my visit was my buddy J'Mann's (ja-MAN) bachelor party. his grandparents have owned the place for like 50 years. The shit was so retro it wasn't even funny. Two bedrooms on the third floor with two sets of bunkbeds in each...so we are talking sleeps eight in two closet sized rooms. On the second floor there was a toilet whose only blockage between the pisser/shitter and the those passing in the hallway was a set of saloon-style swinging doors. Throw in the outdoor shower and the one block walk to the beach/the bar and it is clear that this place was perfect for a bachelor party. At least for the kind of bachelor party we were going to throw.

We got there on Friday afternoon at about 1...plenty of time to hit the beach, throw down a few cans of macro-swill, and chillax a bit. (for the record, I consumed only macro-swill this weekend, more on that later) So while the five or six of us in the first wave chilled on the porch drinking beer and listening to music other bros started to roll in. And since we were sitting there with our shirts off, having just come from the beach, the new arrivals, without being instructed , also went shirtless. Fast forward a bit and we find 20 bros crushing Bud Lights on a porch huddled around a little iTunes stereo thingee, all with no shirts on. Tight right?

So we walked to the bar...The Shell I think it was called. Memories are really hazy, did i mention I had a couple of Sparks? At this point I rely basically on the word of others. After hanging in the bar for a while and making asses of ourselves I am sure, some people left, myself included. After having walked back home apparently, we thought we needed to return to the bar to make sure that the rest of the dudes knew where they were going. Long story short, I wound up passed out in nothing but boxers with my dick hanging out of my pants. My friend Keaves, coming home and finding me in such a state attempted to rouse me so that the next wave of evildoers wouldn't find me like this and fuck with me So after a couple of good leg shakes I rolled over and that was enough for him. I awoke the next morning searching for my cell phone....nowhere to be found. I borrowed my brother's phone to call it and was surprised when a woman answered. Apparently my phone was found inside their beach house...two doors down...away from the direction of the bar....along with the t-shirt and Polo shirt that I had been wearing. No one I was with confessed to planting them there and I have zero ability to recall how the hell they could have wound up there. FLUMMOXING!!!

Saturday, after the hangovers subsided, bagels eaten, and waves surfed, we reconvened in the backyard for grillables and drinkables. It is here that I won hearts and minds my friends. See, what you do is as follows:

1. Drink a beer
2. Take new beer and place it on top of previous beer
3. Affix new beer to old beer with duct tape
4. Finish new beer
5. Go back to step 2
   

In this fashion, before long, you will find yourself holding a staff of beers. At first, your staff will be 5 beers tall, and unwieldy but manageable. Add a few more and it becomes even more daunting a task to lift the beer to your lips. At around 12 or so, you require assistance from a spotter to help lift the bottom half of your staff. When you find that your staff has reached your chin, you are required to switch to Sparks. And once your staff is taller than you are, you have officially achieved Wizard Status. It took me about 6 hours to put down the 17 beers required to make me a wizard, but I am proud to say that I outpaced all of my bros that day and was the first crowned wizard of J'Mann's Bachellor party. I had debilitating heartburn and non-solid shit for three days post-hence and was not able to conjure the correct incantation to drive each malady away, but I was ok with that I think.

&Ry